With the new year comes the tradition of making New Year’s resolutions. Many people will vow to lose weight, work harder, travel more, etc. That’s all well and good for most citizens, but what about professional athletes? They’re already in great shape, make a ton of money and travel often. So what promises should they make to themselves? While these are purely pipe dreams at this point, we’ve compiled a list of New Year’s resolutions we’d love to see some top professional athletes make. If these all come to fruition, 2015 might end up being the best year in sports yet.
J.J. Watt Needs to Play Quarterback
I think I speak for every man when I say that J.J. Watt’s entire existence totally emasculates me. He’s just the definition of a manly man. He is strong as an ox, bullies 300-pound lineman with ease and is talented enough to snag one-handed touchdowns. He also does a ton of charity work and absolutely hates selfies. If I had a vote, I’d put J.J. Watt down for NFL MVP in a heartbeat. But no matter how good Watt is, the Texans will never become a truly great team until they find a franchise quarterback.
Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Yes, J.J. Watt needs to play QB. Everyone knows that REAL football players play both ways all the time! I’m only 75 percent joking. If J.J. came in and threw a 60-yard strike to Andre Johnson, would you really be surprised? Nothing J.J. Watt does surprises me anymore. Oh, he caught another touchdown? Cool. Oh, he forced another fumble and returned it for a touchdown? Cool. Oh, he figured out how to solve world hunger? Yeah, I buy that. Can you imagine a read option with Arian Foster and J.J. Watt? It’d be unstoppable. Tell me you don’t want want to see people trying to tackle J.J. Watt. It’d be so entertaining.
So come on, J.J. Do what’s best for the team. Make a resolution that you’ll be the Texan’s starting QB next year. And if it works out well, maybe you can try your hand at NFL commissioner.
Carmelo Anthony Needs to Keep Wearing Funny Hats
Many people will disagree with me on this, but I love Carmelo Anthony’s penchant for wearing absolutely ridiculous hats. It always brightens my day when I see that Melo has decided to don another outrageous cap. The Knicks are such a sad, pathetic team that Melo’s headwear is the only consistently interesting thing about them. Take Melo’s hats away, and the world becomes a sadder, colder place.
Carmelo shouldn’t listen to the haters. In 2015, he should resolve to take his hat game even further. We’ve already seen him rock ridiculous lids like these. Don’t get me wrong, they’re great. But the envelope can be pushed further. I want those hats you can put drinks in. I want those hats with the propeller on them. I want Lady Gaga-esque hats. Anything less would be a massive disappointment.
Andrew Luck Needs to Drop a Fire Rap Album
Andrew Luck is a great quarterback, no question about that. But does he really have that edge to him? That toughness? The mean streak that’s required to be an NFL champion? It was recently publicized that Luck congratulated opponents after they laid a hit on him. Doesn’t that sound a little too nice? And what about his dorky demeanor? He still owns a flip phone, he doesn’t use social media and he regularly plays Settlers of Catan. But I’ve got the perfect way to improve Luck’s street cred—start a rap career! Back in the day, lots of athletes tried their hand at rapping. And you already know that Luck has a crazily extensive vocabulary.
How cool would Luck look if he suddenly dropped the most fire album of 2015? Insanely cool. As for his lyrical style, I’m thinking something in the vein of DMX—a no-holds-barred, hardened, aggressive approach. Maybe get tatted up like Birdman, get a grill like Nelly, and old Andrew will suddenly become the baddest dude on the block. Luck gonna give it to ya!
Kobe Bryant Needs To Stop Being a Jerk
So, who’s ready for a Kobe rant?
I’m sick of Kobe Bryant. I’m sick of Lakers fans who still think he’s the best player in the league. I’m sick of people who applaud him for his “intensity.” That’s like applauding a stalker for his “commitment.” Kobe is a total jerk. And you know what? Maybe that was OK when the Lakers were chasing titles and Kobe was the uncontested best player in the league. But now it’s just making him look like a total jackass.
The Lakers are one of the worst teams in the NBA. They’re allowing nearly 110 points per game, and their chances of making the playoffs in the hyper-competitive Western Conference are almost zero. The team is composed of young guys and irrelevant journeymen, and their best rookie, Julius Randle, played in only one game before sustaining a season-ending injury. The team is not good, and the Lakers are probably better off tanking this season. But Kobe is still freaking out and being a total prima donna. News flash, Kobe—screaming at Ronnie Price isn’t going to suddenly make him an All-Star. The team simply lacks talent, and their only hope of winning games is to find a wickedly high level of chemistry.
That’s not possible with Kobe. Kobe cares about chemistry about as much as he cares about passing. People were OK with Kobe going off on his teammates as long as they were winning and he was an elite player, but that’s not the case anymore. Sure, he’s still averaging 25 points per game—but he’s shooting 38 percent from the field. Only four qualified players currently own a worse shooting percentage than Kobe. In 2015, Kobe needs to resolve to stop being such a jerk. It’s starting to get really old.