Professional athletes make a whole lot of moola. Even when you get down to the last guy on the roster, the NFL player on the practice squad or the NBA player on a 10-day contract, you’re still looking at someone making six figures. So it might come as a surprise that some of the world’s richest athletes are buying Powerball tickets. The pot currently sits at $1.5 billion. Yes, that’s billion with a “B.”
Everyone has a right to purchase a Powerball ticket. But the five athletes listed below are making it more difficult for peons like us to buy that mansion in the sky equipped with 16 aquariums. What would they do with all that money anyway? How much is too much? Sigh. I digress. Here are five athletes playing Powerball. Please direct all complaints to them.
‘Melo’s salary for the 2015-2016 NBA season sits at a cool $22,875,000—and that’s in addition to his endorsement deals. And he still wants Powerball money? To be fair, Anthony said that if he wins the jackpot, he plans to “share it all.” But with whom? Close friends and family? Random people on the street? How can I ensure that I am one of the people with whom ‘Melo will share his winnings? Countless e-mails to [email protected]? Handwritten letters using a feather, written by candlelight? I’ll try, but I don’t feel confident about it.
If Anthony wins, he should donate at least half the money to his New York Knicks running mate, Kristaps Porzingis—for two reasons. One, because the Knicks have been revitalized by the rookie’s arrival, and, two, so he can afford the most elaborate cornrow haircut available.
The Washington Capitals star is making $10 million this season, but he’s still out in the streets purchasing Powerball tickets. He played coy with the media, telling them he was only there to buy one or two tickets, but he probably purchased upwards of 1,000 and left the store laughing hysterically.
Two ideas for Ovechkin if he does win: Fix that tooth and pay your parents a lump sum at every game so they can finally start sitting together. It’s weird that they don’t, regardless of their reasoning. Sit together. Cheer together. Have the dad put the mom up on his shoulders. Start the wave. Whatever, just have some fun with it. Oh, and maybe put some of that $1.5 billion to use blocking Donald Trump from ever entering the White House.
Though Neon Deion is no longer an active player, my man’s net worth is still hovering around $40 million. How else do you think he can afford those suits he rocks on the CBS set? Sanders says that if he wins, he wants to purchase an NFL team, with Samuel L. Jackson as his head coach and Snoop Dogg as his offensive coordinator. Who says no to that? That would literally be the greatest NFL team ever assembled. They’d immediately change the team name to Royale With Cheese (that’s a Pulp Fiction reference, you guys), and Snoop would name all his playcalls something ridiculous, like “Bow Wow Wow Yipee Yo Yipee Yay 87 Right” and “1234SnoopDoggyDoggisKnockingAtYourDoor Z Left Cross.” Who says no to that?
If you thought David Lee was making a modest salary, you’d be wrong. My man is making $15.5 million, and to make matters worse, told reporters that he bought $100 worth of Powerball tickets. That’s a jerk move, David. Don’t you have practice to attend? Don’t you have games to play? Where are you finding the time to visit convenient stores and make it rain like that? Lee said that if he won, he’d probably retire, which is a good thing, because if he kept playing, I’d make it my life’s work to attend all of his games and yell at him, “HEY MAN NOT COOL WHAT YOU DID WINNING THE POWERBALL. REALLY SHOOK ME UP INSIDE.”
The Chicago Bears linebacker retired this season, after amassing upwards of $65 million of earnings during his 12-year NFL career. He tweeted that if he won the Powerball, he’d retire from the NFL, which is totally not funny, because he’s already retired. He would probably use the money to build a chair made of greenbacks and sit on it while he watches television.
I’m sorry. My emotions are getting the best of me. One of these five upstanding gentlemen will surely share their winnings with me if it happens. Right? Right? Guys?