Last week, we imagined what an NFL team composed entirely of hip-hop stars would look like on offense. Here’s what the defense would look like.
Starters: Beanie Sigel, Bone Crusher, Killer Mike, Bizarre
(Photo via Club937)
Beanie Sigel is the type of guy who could get arrested for gun possession just days before he’s supposed to occupy a jail cell for tax evasion. The man has no fear. Bone Crusher has a permanent look on his face that says, “I just ate a fully grown sheep.” Killer Mike’s name is enough to make a grown man shudder. Bizarre wears a showercap as a legitimate form of headgear. The combined mass of these enormous gentlemen equals roughly a four-bedroom house. If any of these rapping behemoths reach the quarterback, watch out. Things could get weird.
Backups: Heavy D, Gucci Mane
Starters: Ice Cube, 50 Cent, 2Pac
(Photo via Consequence of Sound)
Muscle and street cred are what characterize this linebacking corps. All three guys are built like compact cars, and they aren’t afraid to tackle someone who might be a little bigger than them. Ice Cube took out a man twice his size (Deebo) in the American classic film, Friday. 50 Cent looks like he was created in a superlab alongside Jason Bourne, and his contract with Vitamin Water keeps him properly hydrated on the sidelines. Not only was 2Pac cut, but he also had a mean streak. One minute he’d be professing how beautiful women are, and the next he’d be writing a scathing diss track toward his rival Biggie.
Backups: Maino, Eminem
Starters: Kendrick Lamar, Game, Nelly, Asher Roth
(Photo via That Grape Juice)
Nelly’s and Game’s NFL-ready bodies, Kendrick Lamar’s maturity, and Asher Roth’s deep love of football mean this diverse secondary would be stacked. With Nelly delivering hits the size of “Country Grammar” and Game bouncing up and down like one of his patented low riders, receivers would think twice about coming over the middle. If a receiver somehow did slip by the front line, Lamar’s and Roth’s laser-like minds would sniff out any attempted touchdown pass. Plus, if anyone got hurt, Nelly has plenty of band-aids to cover up those pesky wounds.
Backups: Mac Miller, Joe Budden