After a grueling workout, when you feel like you've lost nearly all of your body weight in sweat, few things are better than stepping into the shower to wash off all the dirt, grime and nastiness so you can go on with your day as a clean, non-smelly person.
But few things are worse than stepping out of that shower, drying off, and beginning to sweat even more profusely than you did during your workout. It's truly one of the worst experiences in life. Next thing you know, you're running around your house like a mental patient trying to get beads of sweat off your nose. This is no way to live.
Fortunately, there are ways to prevent this. No, they are not backed by science, but who needs science? Science is for Bill Nye. This article is for people who want results.
Stick Your Head in the Freezer
Have you ever seen a popsicle sweat? No, you haven't. That's because they are tucked away comfortably in your freezer, safe from the awful humidity outside. Stick your head in there for a little while and join them, and don't freak out if you feel your eyelashes freezing. They'll defrost (hopefully), and you can go about your day sweat-free, albeit a little chilly.
Blast a Fan Directly In Your Face Immediately
You can at least slow the process of being disgustingly covered in sweat by sitting 2 feet away from a fan set to blow full blast. Plus, if you've got long hair, you will sort of look like Tom Cruise in one of his many mediocre action movies, so it's a win-win. And if that fails . . .
Buy an Indoor Misting Fan
Yeah, it might ruin the foundation of your house and turn your room into a Florida swampland, but can you imagine how amazing it would be to step out of the shower on a 100-degree day and walk directly into a soothing mist fan? You can't put a price on that type of comfort. If misting fans are good enough for grown men wearing tight pants, padding and helmets, they're good enough for you too.
Turn Off All the Lights, Close All The Blinds and Lie Face Down on the Floor
If you aren't moving and no light can strike you, there's no reason for your body to sweat, right? That's how the human body works, right? Don't get up until you feel like you've stopped sweating completely. If someone walks in on you and asks what in tarnation you're doing, tell them you're working on your Plank.
Don't Move Ever Again
Sweating is part of life. Our bodies need to cool themselves down after simply reaching for the remote. To combat sweat, resolve to never move again. Remain motionless for eternity and you'll never sweat again, regardless of what else you might be doing (hmm.) Sure, you'll miss out on stuff like getting married, going to a baseball game and basic human contact, but sweating isn't worth it. It just isn't.
Editor's note: Don't do any of these things. They are dumb and probably won't work.
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